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How Resentment is Born

I had spent an entire weekend making sure my daughter had a wonderful 16th birthday.

I threw a party and made sure there was a good turn out of guests.

There was food, lighting, a pingpong table on the lawn, and lively music.

The next day, I invited two families over to play games and share her birthday cake with.

By Monday morning I felt good about my efforts but noticed something was absent:

Gratitude from my daughter. She had not uttered one "Thank You".

As she was leaving for school that morning, I handed her a breakfast burrito that she could eat in the car as her sister drove her to school.

She held up her hand, "I don't want it."

The lack of gratitude I'd been expecting caused something to snap inside of me and I turned and threw the burrito at the wall.

I was boiling with resentment by that point - and for the rest of the day and my daughter had no idea - she didn't even know about the fate of the burrito.

Right about now, I'm thinking some of you are siding with me. After all, I should have been acknowledged for all that I did for my daughter. She should have said "Thank You" for all the effort I put into making her birthday special. Right?

That would have been nice. But actually, those expectations are how Resentment is born.

Over the next 4 weeks I'm going to break down the cause of some heavy emotions using a tool I created THAT SHOWS THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN OBLIGATION AND MOTIVATION.

Zooming in on the bottom half of the grid, Let me show you how RESENTMENT is born.

When Obligation is high, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves. It feels rigid and like you have little or no choice.

Example: "I have to make my daughter's 16th birthday perfect. I have to make sure she has a lot of friends there so she feels loved. As her mom this is my duty and something I should do."

When you place high expectations on yourself, you are in a high degree of Obligation. You believe you are bound to duty with little choice.

Now let's turn to Motivation - which is the reason we act. When Motivation is based on needing or expecting validation or recognition, we are seeking for external rewards.

Example: "She should be grateful for all I've done. The least she could do is say thank you." Some motivations we aren't conscious of - "if I do this I'll get the praise I need to feel like I'm a good mom."

When you combine High Obligation with External Motivation you land in Resentment. In my case, that combined belief sounds like - "I did all this for her 16th birthday (because that's what a good mom should do) and she didn't even thank me (or give me the validation I needed).

It is our underlying beliefs that determine how we approach our sense of duty and our reason for acting. These beliefs need to be explored and understood so that you can decide if they are serving you well - or not.

This is why knowing how to reply to your Inner Critic is so important - because your Critic is feeding some of those beliefs -

Which breed Resentment. So I included my free download giving you 12 ways to respond here:

NEW 12 Ways to Respond to Your Inner Critic
Download PDF • 112KB

If you'd like to schedule a free consultation to explore how you are landing in these emotions, you can do so HERE.

Next week we'll break down Detachment.

See you then.



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